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...because vague pretentious speech is the safest way to rant, that's why.
And because I've started on another train of soul-searching-esque thoughts, which are never fun.
Sometimes I wish that I weren't so attached to the mask. That I didn't have to depend on this mask just to keep functioning.
But then again, it's become a part of who I am. Even if it's just a mask, it's one I've worn for far too long to just throw away now. Besides, I don't particularly want to throw it away either. Seeing the world through it is much preferable to seeing it through my normal jade-colored lenses.
But still. I wonder why the emo thoughts are flaring up again... ok, I don't wonder, I know. I wish I didn't, but I do know.
...sigh. I guess, at the end, I'm just lonely. Strange, that.
I want to say that I don't know what to do anymore. But I do.
What I really want to say is that I don't know what to do that will get me what I want. Which I really don't. And I'm honestly unsure whether I'd want to anyway.
So, at the end, I'm still back to ground zero. Square one. Whatever you call it. The point is, all this did nothing but possibly make me feel a little better. Possibly. Just possibly.
...more likely, I'll feel better once I'll wake up and this mood goes away.
Haha. I really don't know what to say.
I just hope this really passes quickly. It had better.
So maybe it hurts a little more than I thought it would.
Still. Nothing I can do but keep pretending it doesn't. Even knowing that it'll pass doesn't make it much better.
Just keep going. Just until it's over. Just a little more.
Still so much I want to say. I think I'm finally starting to see the appeal in intentionally vague, pretentious words. Heh.
...because I still don't dare to admit it to myself. Even though I already know.
Haha. I feel so pathetic.
And... more ramblings.
What the hell, self. It's not even study time yet.
It's not like this kind of feeling is new. On the contrary, I know it'll only last a while. It'll only be a while more before I get bored. Only a little more before I move on again.
If only the mind ruled the heart, and not the other way around.
...Heh. Useless pretentious ramblings that are left intentionally vague are a decent way of releasing the damn frustration. Frustration... and perhaps a slight tinge of jealousy.
It's kind of annoying having to post through email, but hostel LAN I was originally going to type some long rambling stuff here, but I ...which means I have no idea what I'm going to type here. So off I go
sucks that way. Not to mention I can't access Neptune's Pride either.
D:
completely forgot what I wanted to type, so never mind.
to not sleep yet. Yeah, I know I'm not making sense.
And I thought I had gotten over posting emo shit here. Apparently I haven't. I dunno, I'm probably likely to start writing here again soon. I'll In other words, except lots more random emo crap, especially since I'm And hey, at least I waited until today to start venting here. I Anyway, yeah. Shit happened. It wasn't anything big, but I still feel ...and it's Valentine's soon. Possibly it's just recent events Anyway. I'm kind of content now, I guess. Life's been pretty awesome ...I don't know, it just feels so calm and peaceful and nice and Time to end this post and go play some more Skyrim. Although even Aha~n.
eventually run out of things to do during study time, and this is
actually pretty cathartic. Especially since I don't think anyone reads
it anymore.
feeling rather crappy right now. Emotionally, that is.
thankfully had enough sense not to post the disjointed rambling I
typed on Wednesday. Protip: anything you type out while feeling like
an emotional wreck at 2am, especially if it's just rambling to
yourself, especially if half of it is in all caps and the other half
has no caps at all, does not a legible post make.
like crap over it. Even though it's all blown over by now.
affecting me, but I find my thoughts returning to things I really
thought I'd gotten over. Hm.
so far, and I don't really have any issues other than that I never
thought so much free time could be a problem. Or that it could be so
boring. Someday, I'm probably going to end up in trouble for trying to
do "interesting" stuff.
boring. Which is all right, but boring.
Skyrim is starting to bore me.
It's amazing what you can get away with in study time. So long as you have some sort of wordy document open, or are typing something out, they don't bother looking closer.
In other words, for those like me who enjoy text-based games and writing/reading fiction, it's actually kind of easy to get away with all sorts of stuff.
Like writing this post, for example.
Admittedly, I usually just continue working on my entry for Beyond Words, which is at least somewhat productive. In a fun side project kind of way. Even so, I need to stop doing things like writing this post/messing with PHP/messing with Java/random not-really-school-related stuff, and get back to writing it.
On a side note, it's amazing how many cliches I can justify putting into it with the excuse of "I'm writing YA. It's supposed to sell, not be a classic." On one hand, I want to write a mindscrewy piece full of subtle red herrings and plot hints, but on the other hand, there's no way that will win, so I've gone all the way around and started writing crappy cliched teenage romance fiction with a hint of fantasy instead. Or something.
Anyway, back to actually writing it instead of this.
Aha~n.
Might un-deadify this blog sometime soon. Except that nothing substantial will actually be posted, and by "un-deadify" I mean use the blogskin as a PHP testing ground.